I wish I could say that I have lived a good life.
To a great extent, I have not.
I've failed at nearly everything in life.
I've accomplished little. Nothing, really.
I have a cool website, and some semi-sorta kinda cool blogs.
That's it.
I failed at the important things in life.
I failed my parents.
They both died in the house, on my watch.
I could not save them.
I woke up one day back in 2002, late for work, and did not check on my Dad first thing as I should have.
When I got out of the shower, I found him.
I failed him.
My Mom... nineteen years later... I was so tired, I fell asleep when I should have stayed awake to make sure she was okay,
I failed her.
My Grandmother... I failed her as well.
I did not go visit on one of my usual days. It was three days later... she didn't answer the door. She'd had a stroke. She spent her last days bed-ridden.
I failed her.
I failed in other ways, too.
Have you ever held a beloved pet in your hands while they died?
The middle of the night. Nothing I could do for her. Sweet little Kit-Kat.
I failed her.
And I also failed the only girl I ever truly loved.
She was my dream girl in so many ways.
We had common and similar interests.
I'd never met a gal like her before.
She was smart. Smarter than she knew, perhaps.
So intelligent.
She was funny and witty.
Omigosh, she cracked me up.
She was curious, inquisitive.
She was also... shy.
Timid, even.
I adored her for that, maybe most of all.
And... the bonus...
She was a stunningly lovely girl.
She was exactly what I love above all others... a dark-eyed, dark-haired beauty.
A goddess in my eyes.
When we met, I was fifteen years alone.
I had long since given up on finding anyone. Resigned to spending my life in solitude.
I had not only stopped searching, I was no longer even noticing.
She came outta nowhere.
Fell right outta the sky. Wasn't expecting it.
The moment I first heard her voice, I melted... fell in love instantly.
The moment I saw her in person for the first time, I fell in love all over again.
She was married.
But not happily.
Hers was not a good situation.
She was so... lonely.
I sensed that all she wanted was a friend.
But that she also longed to be loved.
I was hesitant. The age difference was considerable. I was 45, she was 26.
I was no good for her on most levels.
I knew it, and later, when we had become more than friends, I told her as much.
But before that, before the 'more'... I hesitated.
I wanted to love her... to make her feel loved.
I knew that I should not.
The second time we met, however...
She brought pizza.
This was the girl for me.
But what really clinched it...
We parted and later that night she messaged me and asked a question.
A question that broke my heart:
"Could I have given you a hug?"
That was it.
That was a cry for love.
I decided to hesitate no more.
I decided I would be the one to give her what she needed.
And I hope that I did. At least a little, and for a short while.
But, alas... though she was my dream girl, I was not her dream guy.
Though she said there was just one reason, I knew there were more.
Yes, I did know, Sunshine.
I simply didn't want it to be true.
So I tried to ignore the signs.
I saw them all.
But even had there been no other reasons, the one... the ONE reason she gave was enough.
I had actually begun to change my mind on that point... but it was too late.
She had already found another.
Another who was more... close to her age.
More outgoing.
More interesting.
More talented in ways that clearly entranced her.
He was more...
more than me.
But before that...
I tried to rescue it.
I tried to fix it.
As much as I knew my own shortcomings, I thought she was broken.
Maybe she was, if only a little.
Or maybe she simply was not as into me as I was into her.
I don't know anymore.
All I know is that I wish I could have won her heart again.
You don't know pain until your heart is trampled upon.
No man can live with the terrible knowledge that he is not needed.
Or wanted.
It was not malicious...
She struggled with it.
I could see it and hear it.
No, it was not malicious.
But she nonetheless crushed me.
And once I realized that it would never happen...
That I would never convince her to come back to me...
That she would never again look at me the way she had done many times...
That she would never steal a glance at that 'cute thing' I apparently do with my eyes...
That I would never again hold her close...
That I would never again squeeze her tight... and feel a like return...
And that she would never again try to mirror my affection...
My utter despair and sense of worthlessness turned to something else.
I gave in to anger and bitterness.
She was not a great communicator. I tried to help her with that.
She has told me that I succeeded there.
Small consolation.
Because, in the end, I showed her exactly how NOT to communicate.
I said terrible things to her.
Horrible things.
I spat venom at this sweet, lovely, utterly lovable little lass.
Have you ever said something so heinous that you feel you have stained not only your own soul, but also that of the one toward whom such vile words were directed?
I cannot forgive myself for that.
Ever.
In the end...
I failed you, Sunshine.
Though I never truly got over her, I did try to find someone else.
I had gotten a sweet taste of something I never thought I would have.
Came relatively close once, and less-so a few other times.
But now... I have lost... a part of me.
No one I would want to be with is going to want to be with a 52-year old guy who has lost half a leg and is in not-so-great health anymore.
Nobody is gonna want this broken down, scruffy-lookin' old nerf-herder.
I have few friends, because there are few people in this world with whom I would care to associate.
I simply do not fit in with the majority of people.
Don't really want to, either.
I find most people to be boring, annoying, or angering.
Nah, I don't fit in.
Even with my own family...
They can't really relate to me.
I love my Sister and my Nieces dearly.
But I do not figure in their lives.
All I have anymore are my hobbies and interests.
But now...
Having lost half a leg...
Unable to work for a year now...
Even though I began trying to find a job long before I was ready...
Still trying... a bit more 'ready' but not really...
Doesn't matter. Nobody wants to hire me.
Unable to find reliable alternate sources of income...
Government assistance has taken so goddamn long...
I am now five months behind in the rent.
Thanks to Social Security.
Even though I have finally been approved for SSI...
And can pay the rent going forward...
It would take a long time before I could pay the back rent...
And the landlord has told me that I have to pay what I owe in full by the end of the year, or I will definitely be evicted.
It's December 20th.
I owe $4525 in back rent.
I'm screwed.
Again, all I have anymore are my hobbies and interests.
And a good majority of my belongings are central to that.
All I do for fun and all that I am now trying to do for money revolve around those belongings.
If I lose my apartment, I lose my stuff.
I lose my stuff...
I will have nothing left.
Nothing.
